#11 Reminding You About The War

Why do English people like reminding you about the war?

It’s not one of the first things a foreigner notices upon entering England for the first time. No, it takes a more extended stay to really set in. But sooner or later you will notice that the English are constantly confronted in newspapers, television, books and film, with material about Nazis and World War II. It’s a truly unhealthy obsession which is not generally seen in other European countries or in North America.

So why do English people remind you about the war so much? Is it to remind younger people of the risk of acquiescing to belligerent leaders? Or to reinforce the horror of the Holocaust so that it never happens again? Have they not yet come to terms with the fact that they’ve ceased to be an imperial power?

No, none of these is the real reason. The real reason the English like reminding you about World War II is that it gives them the excuse they need to continue living in their crappy conditions. It explains why the English tolerate archaic infrastructure like outdoor plumbing, pull-string toilets, single paned windows and carpet in the bathroom. It validates their taste for humble, mushy food. And it serves as a timeless example of the English stiff upper lip, which can be invoked and re-invoked for time immemorial.

Great Britain was the only European country to not receive Marshall Plan aid. Clever Americans figured that if they didn’t give Britain any money, forcing them instead to pay off their war debts over decades and decades, then Britain would never rise again to the power that it once was. And guess what? It worked.

That’s why the English didn’t have any dairy ice cream until the 1990s. That’s why they didn’t have fresh vegetables until just last week.

You have probably noticed that whenever a complaint is voiced about anything in England, the response inevitably turns to the war. Our crack research teams have recently overheard the following exchanges which do well to illustrate typical English thought:

French person: God, how can you stand eating sandwich filler?
English person: We won the war with this sandwich filler!

Canadian person: You know, double paned windows really helps to keep in the warmth.
English person: We won the war with single paned windows!

Polish person: Even we have had real ice cream for decades.
English person: …

A society that continues to look back too much is a dysfunctional one. And the fact remains that the English have been agonizing for 40 years over whether the eastern or western front was more important to Germany’s eventual defeat (despite figures suggesting that German forces suffered 93% of their casualties on the Soviet front - hint hint). Get over it already!

Two World Wars and One World Cup is a football song sung by supporters of the English National Team to the tune of Camptown Races. The slogan also appears on fan flags, coffee mugs, polo shirts and tatooed arses of Englishmen.

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